The Midlife Threshold
The Midlife Threshold
It is possible to become stuck at one of life’s most important thresholds. When this happens, we often witness what is called a “midlife crisis” unfolding in a person’s life. This is usually the moment when someone mistakes the deep intolerance of their own life for something more superficial—such as the urge to acquire something (or someone) “new.” Unattended, the pressure for change often manifests as depression or anxiety. And because most of us have received little to no training in navigating the depths of the psyche, we are often unsure how to respond in a healthy way when the deeper parts of ourselves begin to register their discontent.
When I was around 40, I began to feel the unbearable weight of failure. I was trying desperately to start a church. At the time, I was a practicing Christian and believed this was the only way I could create something meaningful that also served others. While I know the eight years I spent in this work did offer some relief and support to a number of people, I mostly suffered from the feeling of being a failed pastor—leading a church that could not grow large enough to sustain itself. On top of this, my contributions to our family finances were meager, further compounding the shame I carried as a father and husband.
It turns out that many of my frameworks for life were wrong. You couldn’t have told me that at the time—I would have rejected it outright. I wasn’t ready to admit how badly I was doing on the inside. I resisted my own midlife threshold with every morsel of my being, until I physically could do nothing but succumb to the depression and anxiety that would eventually swallow nearly two years of my life.
Maybe your midlife looks like this—but it doesn’t have to. People often suffer in midlife because we lack a shared cultural understanding of how the soul’s call arrives. There are many challenges to recognizing and responding to the midlife threshold, but the overarching reason is rooted in a long history of soul suppression within a dominator culture. Western society currently offers no meaningful cultural inheritance to support or guide people through this most significant life passage.
In our personal lives, we feel the effects of this absence. Many of us are parents or partners, honoring responsibilities or vows we’ve made—often without the kind of family or “tribal” support that would insist on the importance of taking time and space for our own initiatory journey to soul. Some of us are insulated by financial stability, which allows us to weather this storm more comfortably. When we do reach out for help, well-meaning psychiatrists may prescribe medication because they, too, are culturally misinformed. Of course, there are circumstances in which medication is appropriate. Still, therapists and counselors—and perhaps especially spiritual leaders—are sometimes guilty of offering guidance that encourages people to spiritually bypass the midlife threshold, at least temporarily.
As a pastor, I had no training or understanding of this critical life moment. Life was supposed to be a steady ascension toward heaven. “Prayer will get you through.” If you were pulled into the undertow of the midlife threshold, you were simply “lacking in faith.”
All of us are experts at escaping our pain. We learn to control our environments, stay relentlessly busy, blame others, or rely on a thousand other forms of denial—all in service of keeping ourselves safe.
This is where knowing what to do makes all the difference.
“Staying safe” is the central strategy of our childhood adaptations, and many of us still navigate adult life through personas shaped by these early survival strategies. You cannot pass through the Midlife Threshold without learning to cultivate your innate human wholeness. Without access to this wholeness, you are like a ship tossed on a stormy ocean—without a sail, rudder, motor, or oars.
If you resonate with what I’m saying, it may be time to learn how to cultivate your wholeness. I heartily recommend Wild Mind: A Field Guide to the Human Psyche by Bill Plotkin, PhD. Bill is a nature-based depth psychologist and guide to soul. He is a trusted teacher of mine, and his work has profoundly influenced me. I first encountered his work while adrift on my own psycho-spiritual ocean, and I’ve had the privilege of training with him in several immersive programs since 2019.
If you recognize yourself at this midlife threshold—no matter your age—I invite you to reach out. Consider joining one of my offerings or signing up for a mentoring session. Real and lasting change is possible, but only if you give yourself the chance to slow down, listen carefully, and open yourself to new discoveries.